As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum My Beloved Brothers and Sisters
I came really close to two days of courtship. LOL
This very attractive (on Facebook) Brother (an F.O.I.) caught my attention.
And last night I had some thoughts of a Courted M.G.T.
First, I have seen so many divorces. I’m fifty now and so I think like someone who has seen fifty years worth of marriages.
Also fifty years worth of life in America and my studies of history.
DIVORCE is way too common now. Whatever the reason, we have to do something.
It is as if people get married now like divorce is an option, whereas we used to get married, and it wasn’t even thought of.
You have to think about DEATH not DIVORCE.
The journey or path from marriage to death will consist of so many unpredictables that we cannot control, but it also consists of things that we KNOW TO EXPECT, but apparently do not consider.
Specifically, AGING and the physical changes that accompany it. So many husbands leave their wives or cheat after menopause. That is the worst thing you could possibly do to her at that time when she most needs your attention. SHE HAS LOST HER YOUTHFUL APPEARANCE AND YOU LEAVE? I don’t curse but you know what it is.
Her children are grown and no longer need her and you pick that time to abandon her too?
Think about that before you get married.
Brothers usually change physically in their thirties. They gain weight they may never lose again. Sisters, it is your fault because you are responsible for his meals. If he eats outside of the house, that’s on you too. Why is he eating somebody else’s cooking??? SMH
FOOD IS THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD CONSIDER EVEN BEFORE MONEY.
I don’t know anything about this Brother, except that he lives in California and he is not vegetarian.
That should have been enough. LOL
But the number 0.5 thing you should think about is RELIGION.
If your religions are not the same… Why are you even messaging???
And I don’t mean you are both Muslim.
There are so many kinds of Muslims.
You got “Muslim” pimps! *ahem farrakhan*
But anyway, please remember that your bride or your groom is not always going to look like your wedding photo. Will you stay? In the house? Faithful?
Also consider that time may change your answer. That’s just reality. Saying and doing are two different things.
Your spouse’s answer may change and yours may not.
Will you stay?
Your vows say “forsaking all others,” Right?
Is that more important than “till death do you part?”
No.
For you who want to be obtuse. A cheating spouse will not kill you. However, a cheated-on spouse might.
If you think about that before you get married, it will change your whole outlook and you will definitely be prepared in the event it happens. And as hard as it may be to even consider – CONSIDER IT.
AND GET OVER IT. STAY MARRIED.
Another thing that we can predict is the possibility of children. Is this person the one you want to share parenting responsibilities with?
Sisters, you know this is not an equally balanced question.
The responsibility IS OURS. He could leave you after he has planted his seed, so, as much as you obviously love him, CONSIDER it…
I’m sorry. I’m just so frustrated by the number of children growing up without BOTH PARENTS LIVING WITH THEM (sleeping in the same home EVERY NIGHT).
I know my babies entering teens and twenties have some views toward relationships that I don’t even want to think about either.
But I was there and am trying to prevent you from making the mistakes we made.
You are our children. So, it is our fault.
All I can do is tell you it is not your fault your parents made decisions that ruined all of our lives. But PLEASE learn from our mistakes so that you don’t repeat them.
DO NOT THINK THAT HAVING A CHILD WITH SOMEONE IS THE EQUIVALENT OF MARRIAGE.
IT DOES NOT GUARANTEE A COMMITMENT.
It is worse.
Because now you have somebody(s) else to consider.
So things to consider:
- GET TO KNOW RELIGION (BELIEFS/DIET/FRIENDS/FAMILY/LIKES/DISLIKES/INTERESTS) BEFORE MARRIAGE AND INTIMACY SO THAT AFTER, YOU KINDA KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES, BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT TO FIX FOR BREAKFAST WAY BEFORE YOU NEED TO.
AGING IS INEVITABLE – EVEN WHEN YOU EAT TO LIVE. I MEAN, EVENTUALLY, YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO DIE – BOTH OF YOU. SO WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DECIDES HE/SHE IS READY TO DIE, WILL YOU BE SUPPORTIVE? CONSIDER THAT. THEY WILL PROBABLY WANT YOU TO GO TOO. WILL YOU? WILL YOU BE ABLE TO MAKE HIM/HER RECONSIDER.
WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, EVERYTHING YOU DO FROM THEN ON, WILL INCLUDE AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON. If they/you have children…
CONSIDER THE FUTURE AT LEAST FOUR GENERATIONS AHEAD.
NOT JUST YOUR DEATH BUT YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN’S DEATH.
WILL YOU STILL BE TOGETHER???
CONSIDER THE THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE CAN’T PREDICT: MONEY, FRIENDS, FAMILY, CHILDREN, STRANGERS, RELIGION…
Most people’s vow:
“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you.”
Something I didn’t even include, but which is probably the main reason I am not married is YOUR NAME.
The first thing in the vow is your name. Nothing more important than that!!!
Then his/her name.
Men and women should have different vows. Our roles are different so our vows should be different. EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS DIFFERENT. Vows should be too.
This vow sounds from the beginning like it is for a man, but it is clearly designed for the woman. husband/wife… Why not wife/husband?
Most women by nature think about our loved ones before ourself, just because of our role in the family. Whereas the man (“I,” is the first word) is responsible for providing. The best way to do that, the ONLY way to effectively do that, you have to put yourself first.
You cannot provide for anyone else if you cannot provide for your self. So you have to think like that.
We should have different vows to reflect. This one is clearly written with the husband in mind. They need us more. So, naturally he wants your complete loyalty. He doesn’t care as much as we do. We are completely different.
But as the wife, you have to defer to him, or else your children will be unbalanced.
If you can’t don’t do it. Cut out at the FIRST RED FLAG. Think about your children. He has the last word. Regardless to where they came out of. If you can’t defer to him, your children will be twisted up.
I’ll write more later, In Sha Allah.
Homemaking For The Black Muslim Woman Journal ™ 