بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Forget all ya’ll. I’m through with everybody. I’m sick of looking at devils. Black people are hopeless. At least everyone I know. Allah chose us to be His people but I don’t know any who aren’t in love with the enemy and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to meet any so I’m officially giving up on The Black Nation.
Allah is The Only One Who Can Save You.
You have the book. You have everything. You don’t need me.
I’m going to spend the rest of my days looking at kittens and squirrels, birds and insects. They never disappoint. I’m through with people. Ya’ll can all burn in hell.
****UPDATE **** UPDATE **** UPDATE **** UPDATE****
Man. Now I know why Master Fard Muhammad, to Whom Praises are due forever chose the poor, the rejected (just like I rejected you all yesterday SMH) the despised (just like I unwittingly despised you all yesterday SMH) So-Called American Negroes to be HIS PEOPLE.
You are the most wonderful, amazing people in the history of the world and I still love you.
I learned the hard way that people live in houses and squirrels live in trees (which although we can use them temporarily for shade and shelter from rain are not viable housing solutions for people) and kittens live UNDER houses which I contemplated but I wear nothing but white in public now and I hate being dirty. Even if I crawl out and take showers once a day I would just get dirty again as soon as I crawl back under, so I went back to the man I once thought was so amazing.
He lied to me and I’ve been lied to all my life! So when it comes to lies I’m like that Mexican guy in “Next Friday” was with locked doors. “NO MORE LOCKED DOORS!” LOL Even MY NAME was a lie!!! So now, I’m like that with lies.
NO MORE LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And he doesn’t understand. He wants me to just forget it and I can’t. I haven’t tried to because I know if I forget it and try to act like everything’s okay, he’ll just lie again and I’ll end up looking stupid and that is the worst thing I could be mistaken for. Stupid. So I can’t. I’ve been with a liar before and it never works. So I know it will never work with him unless he admits it. I was willing to work with him but he doesn’t want to work with me. Not the way that will make it work with me. I can’t trust him anymore. You got ONE TIME (like the LAPD LOL) to lie to me. But I love him like a Brother and really wanted the relationship to work so I told him exactly how I felt. I opened up and told him the truth and poured my heart out to him. I really liked him.
But it keeps coming up because he won’t admit it.
I don’t even care about the lie. Never did. It’s the principal. Just the fact that he lied to me hurts. I feel like he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. I don’t know why he felt that he had to lie to me. I’m a good person and I feel like crying just thinking about it. It hurts. I liked him and he is too proud to admit that he got caught in a lie.
Then he turns it around and tries to make it my fault! And one of the worst things you can do to me is play with my head. That’s all a lie is. Playing with my head like I’m crazy and I’m already fragile mentally so when you try and make me think I don’t know what I’m thinking and knowing is the truth is playing with my head and trying to MAKE me crazier.
Truth is the MOST IMPORTANT thing. Allah is the AUTHOR OF TRUTH and we are His People. We have to be like HIM. We have to be one thousand per cent truthful. The devils have ruled this world under falsehood so now I can’t stand falsehood with a passion. More than anything else on this Earth I hate a liar. I even love a murderer before I love a liar. Sometimes people deserve to be murdered but nobody deserves to be lied to. I don’t even like surprises. Tell me straight up. Because if you have to lie when I find out you lied it ruins the surprise. I don’t care what it is. Don’t lie to me under ANY circumstances. Surprise me with TRUTH! I am really starting to love coincidences. They are natural surprises and are always pleasant. I’m getting used to them now.
So to make a long story short. I was having a difficult time living under his roof. He lied and I knew it so everything I did was wrong. He gave me no peace. All I wanted to do was color my Dr. McStuffins, listen to my music and my Messenger (PBUH) and watch the kittens, and birds and my spider (Shelby), an occasional dragonfly and the butterflies and just enjoy being in Nawlins in peace.
But he wanted it to be like it was before all lovey-dovey, but not with a lie undermining everything. I couldn’t trust him/believe anything he said. And I couldn’t help it. I was doublechecking everything he said and did and he would just get mad. But I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t believe nor trust him unintentionally. Men are supposed to control their woman and I need to be controlled, I admit, but not by a liar.
I just want a roof over my head and my Black people came through like thoroughbreds (slang).
He had locked the door so I knew I was going to have a hard time once I got in. And I have too much self-respect to knock. He was wrong and today tried to make me crazy by telling me he knows he’s right. See what I’m saying?
But, I digress. I walked to the store to get something to eat because I didn’t even feel comfortable fixing food at his house. I don’t eat but one meal a day and had bought food for us. I learned that a woman is not supposed to be the provider. Men eat too much. When it came time for me to eat, he had eaten up all the food. That made me feel stupid for buying it. He was providing shelter but that’s not enough. He has no car either which I learned today is rather important.
I bought some chocolate chip cookies and A.J. 😉 I started to buy some bread and cream cheese for nourishment but I needed some feel-good, pick-me-up food. As soon as I was about to open into the cookies a cargo van pulls up and the Brother inquired about my well-being.
I told him I was okay, then I recognized him from the Drum Circle. I had seen him a couple times before and he has a little boy and I love the beautiful Black babies so I took a special interest in him. I had seen him earlier at Armstrong Park.
So, I told him I just wanted to watch the squirrels and the kittens and he said he was on his way to deliver some hibiscus drinks he produces and I asked, “Can I roll with you?” He obliged and he took me to another Black entrepreneur and we talked about how to get more Brothers into entrepreneurship locally.
I never realized how easy we have it in L.A. We have downtown where you can buy everything wholesale but they don’t have that anywhere else except NYC, I believe. So we chopped it up and he said there were some incense and oils spots, which is always good, but T-shirts and socks (which is my favorite thing to tell Brothers to start out with) you have to buy online wholesale.
You know I’ve been homeless so I feel for Brothers who want to be entrepreneurs but have no mailing address to ship to so if you can offer any suggestions on how they can be business owners please drop a comment off below, In sha Allah. Shukran.
So, I thought he wanted to take me home. I know I’m a desirable woman for any intelligent man, so I offered to let him take care of me. But he said No. So by then my pride had withered down to nothingness and I resigned myself to knock on the life-controller’s front door.
He didn’t answer so I asked Tyrone – the entrepreneur, if I could use his car charger to charge my iphone so I could call the life-controlling liar. We were in the middle of this exchange when he finally opened the door.
I went in and walked past my room onto the service porch. I sat down and grateful to be inside, exhaled. I don’t know why they don’t redesign these houses because there is absolutely no privacy. You have to go through every room in the house just to get to the bathroom. LITERALLY. I’m glad I’m not a teenager. It would drive me crazy.
So, as soon as I finish thanking Allah for giving me a place to stay, here he comes, slamming the back door talking about mosquitos and if I don’t like it I could leave.
I DIDN’T LIKE IT. So that’s what I did.
I had seen Mrs. Marion’s grandson yesterday and he told me he would be back at ten and he had a couch I could sleep on.
I figured at least he hadn’t lied to me so I would give him a chance to take care of me.
It was nine so I headed over to the Treme’ and thoroughly enjoyed the stars and cats and totally ignored the people. I was still mad at cha’ll. I stuck my tongue out at a Brother who was standing at this house where I had met another Brother who was in love with devils. (I’m in the house right next door now LOL)
So, I made it back to the Treme’ where he lived and sat on the bench outside his house. It is very common for people to have benches outside their houses here. They still congregate on the front porch like we used to do in L.A. back in the day. No one does that there anymore, (because of stray bullets from drive-bys probably) which is one of the reasons why I’m still here. I love New Orleans (I got some fleur de lis [the Saints symbol] gold earrings finally 😀 ) and when I was ready to give up they show me how much they love me.
So, he comes and gets in my face (lovingly) talking about how Mrs. Marion told him something about two mountains will never meet but two people always will.
His electricity was out and he had no running water but he was still generous and humble enough to offer what he did have – a couch to keep me inside and not in Armstrong Park which is where I had thought about going. I’ve slept on the bench there before but it’s not completely safe. I probably would have stayed up all night waiting on the Sunrise and the squirrels to wake up. That’s why I like kittens and cats. They’re nocturnal like me. And they get the most active at night and in the early morning while everybody except me is still asleep.
That is the most peaceful time. I thrive in it. Nobody’s even on Facebook except Africans LOL. All in my DM. Is that right, Hakim? LOL SMH
So, I woke up this morning and he’s getting ready for work. I thought I had found another place to live but he said No. So, I did not want to go back to the life-controller and started walking in the direction of Uptown. There’s always something to do Uptown. I really had a lot of options for my day. I could have gone a couple places to take a shower or sat in Armstrong Park and watched the squirrels and ducks and listened to the fountain. I absolutely love the sound of flowing water. In Arabic, it’s called Hadira. I love it so much I know how to say it in Arabic. (smile)
So, as I was walking I saw a dollar on the ground. I didn’t want the devils around to see me bend down like I was bowing down to them so I waited until they had gotten away and picked it up. I had no dollar bills. I have a quarter and I believe two dimes in my purse. But I haven’t carried any cash all month. I always give it away in charity so I’ve been using plastic.
After I found the dollar, I figured I might as well go back to life-controller because the bottom line is, I didn’t have anywhere to go tonight either and I knew he would let me stay if I needed to.
I knew he had packed all my stuff up because when I moved in he had packed up the previous Sister’s stuff. But I didn’t want to be homeless. It’s hard to be completely clean when you’re homeless. Food is easy. And you can sleep on a bench. But try and find a shower. And I’m Muslim. We HAVE to bathe or the equivalent daily not to mention the ablution we do before our five daily prayers. Which I haven’t been doing. I have prayer beads and have been doing meditation instead.
But I’m not your average Muslim.
So, I’m enjoying the fresh new day. I even saw my bird. I named him Jay Bird after Jamal. And sat down and let him serenade me in the morning light. Then I resumed my walk and passed by this high school I’ve passed on several occasions and it was 7:30 but there was not a child in sight! That creeped me out! I was staring into the school completely perplexed and I see this Sister whom I had asked to pass out my fliers yesterday before I gave up on people.
I still wasn’t completely forgiving of you all yet so I was going to just keep on walking but if I had done that to Mrs. Marion’s grandson yesterday I would have been sleeping on a bench. So, I waited.
She told me the school was closed. She didn’t let me get all emotional, you know how I am when it comes to our future. She said she would walk with me and I liked her. She’s me in another life and we hit it off. She confessed that she’s an alcoholic but everybody in New Orleans is an alcoholic. LOL She said she was having stomach pains/withdrawal symptoms. So I told her try eating one meal a day and don’t eat meat and whatnot and I mentioned that I didn’t have anyplace to stay and if she didn’t offer me her home!
Allah is so Infinitely Wise. Black People in America are the most generous people I’ve ever encountered. I can’t stay mad at ya’ll. And yesterday I was through with you. As much as I love you, I was really finish.
I even decided to stop handing out fliers. I was going to throw them in the water but I didn’t want to mess it up for the ducks and pelicans. They never piss me off.
So, why was I about to walk to life-controller’s house to get the rest of my stuff and he’s walking right there at the intersection. I told him I wanted to get my stuff. And we talked. We really mix well and I love walking and being in the company of a controlling strong Blackman but he lied and I can’t. At least not unless Andrea throws me out. LOL
Then I’ll be back at ONE. But the bottom line is, I have a roof over my head and a place to stay at least until I can get my own place, In sha Allah. Hopefully by next month!