بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Well, I’m still single.
Every year, on Zawji’s birthday, I hope it’s the day.
But it’s over and no word from him.
I did get some good news, which I had been hoping for for years. And, I think it’s notable that the news arrived on his birthday.
Our favorite emcee reunited with his DJ after nineteen years of being estranged. Which was good news. I only hope it’s not a hoax.
I spent the day searching for a restaurant in New Orleans that served any fish other than the pig of the sea and its cousin – catfish and tilapia. We walked from the Seventh ward to the ninth ward and back, passing by (as they say in NOLA) about six or seven restaurants and finally, the last one we found before returning home sold trout.
I was forewarned that New Orleanians live off of that filthy fish but I was still unprepared to learn that that was the ONLY fish they eat. I mean EVERY restaurant I asked what kind of fish they served and the answer was always that pig. AND ONLY that pig. I had never heard of such a thing.
In the Quotah and L.A., you can get salmon and snapper and, in NOLA, a new fish to me, redfish.
But, I’m avoiding writing about what’s really on my mind.
I feel so trepidatious (I’ve started making up words. English is lacking in allowing me to be able to express how I feel sometimes) about the situation I’m in. I mean, I know this is where Allah and my Zawji want me to be. I can just feel it but I know I’m being tested.
And the uncertainty about how long I’m going to be in this situation has me on edge.
I LOVE New Orleans beyond description and I’m infinitely blessed to be in this situation.
I have a benefactor and all I have to do is enjoy life. But, he’s a man and my Zawji’s doppelganger so naturally there is an attraction.
I KNOW that my Zawji is the ONLY man on Earth or in the Heavens above the Earth that I was meant to spend my life with.
In Islam, the Holy Quran teaches us that when we are born, we are one-half of a soul (Nafis). Therefore, there is only one person that can be the other half of our soul. And, I am inexplicably fortunate to have been informed, by Allah, of whom the other half of my soul is.
But this life can be extremely complicated and I know there are several, probably infinite dimensions. I am in the process of perfecting myself to join my Zawji in the Nation of Islam dimension which is one hundred per cent Right and Exact.
In this dimension in which I currently live, he is not living the life of a righteous Muslim, and my benefactor, is the equivalent to what it would be like to live with Zawji in this dimension, which is why I am with him now.
The Holy Qur-an teaches us that ALLAH is our Rabb which translates to “Nourisher unto perfection.” He refines us and nourishes us until we reach perfection. It comes in degrees and right now I’m at a degree where I’m learning how to be with my Zawji in a perfect world and I can’t do it by myself. I’ve reached perfection by myself, now I have to learn how to be perfect with my Nafis and this Brother is a step on the ladder up to perfection.
We mix extremely well, but I can feel that it is only temporary. I mean, I have never gotten along so well with a Brother. ANY Brother. Except Zawji, of course, but it’s different now because I’m conscious of it.
He kissed me and discomfitted me so much, because I felt something. When I was in the A and “hooked up” with one of Zawji’s doppelganger’s doppelgangers, I didn’t feel anything except the longing for Zawji.
It’s different this time because he is actually Zawji’s doppelganger and not a doppelganger’s doppelganger. For example, Method Man is my Zawji’s doppelganger and I’ve hooked up with one of Method Man’s doppelgangers and didn’t feel anything. Busta Rhymes too. I like both of them but didn’t feel anything because they were a degree away from being an actual doppelganger.
But this brother is an actual Zawji doppelganger and it’s making me uncomfortable because I’ve never been in this situation before.
I know Zawji is testing me before he takes me back. So, that makes it easier to resist him. Because I know. I have a secret weapon to stay chaste. I’m not going to give it away though because that will make it lose its power, I think.
It helps that I’m a Muslimah. Al Hamdulillah.
I know he’s not the one, so I’m not kidding myself. I’m just “riding it out” which has become my new mantra. Just trying to make the best of my situation. I mean, really, I’m blessed. All I, literally, have to do is just enjoy New Orleans and play house with a wonderful man in a wonderful city with wonderful people until my Zawji comes to collect me.
It’s been two days.
I’ve been in a close situation with a Zawji doppel before where I felt like I missed out on getting married, but A. he wasn’t Zawji and B. Allah Knows where I am. So, I don’t really feel like I messed up by not going to Miami.
I’ve always been a busy body and sitting in one place is particularly difficult for me. I’m a go-getter and I’m learning how to wait. Hakim (my son) used to call me “Impatientifah” when my name was Latifah LOL but seriously, patience is something I’m desperately trying to cultivate.
My former greatest fear was turning hypocrite like Malcolm. And, our Beloved Messenger (May the peace and the blessings of Allah forever be upon him) taught us that his sin was impatience (not waiting for Allah and acting when HE wanted to act) so I am REALLY trying to learn from his mistakes.
I already decided that when I do put down roots, I want it to be in NOLA, but not with this Brother, so I can’t put them down just yet. I’m just getting a taste of it now. I’m not kidding myself, I know this is not going to last, so in contrast to how it will be when I finally marry Zawji, I won’t have to have a Plan B.
Man, I am really paying for eating all of that heavily fried fish. I can’t remember the last time I had fried anything. Our Beloved Messenger (Peace Be Upon Him) Taught us in How To Eat To Live not to fry our food. So, it has to have been at least five years or more since I’ve had fried food and I am experiencing acid reflux to the point where I can’t even sleep. It’s four o’clock, almost time to get up and I’ve been up all night.
I can’t relax in general, for fear of getting too comfortable and falling into temptation. I don’t know how long I can do this. I know Zawji wants to sweep me off my feet and swoop in and burn some other man. I know this Brother can handle it though, it seems as if he already knows. I mean, I keep Zawji’s picture close at hand at all times. But…
It’s been two days…