بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
In the Most Holy Name of Allah,
Master Fard Muhammad,
The Beneficent, The Merciful
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum Beloved and Beautiful Black Sisters,
I realized a while ago that both of my favorite singers, Phyllis Hyman and Donny Hathaway each committed suicide after battling mental illness. This got me to thinking about my own life.
In about 1989, I attempted suicide. At the time, I thought I was just doing something to get attention, but now I see it could have been very serious. I took a bunch of pills and then decided I didn’t really want to die, so I told my parents and my father took me to the hospital. Then in 1996 I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar/Paranoid Schizophrenic. I was hospitalized and the doctors recommended that I take medication. I refused and continued having episodes.
I attempted suicide again in 1998 while having an episode. At the time I didn’t really consider it as attempting suicide. I sat on the edge of a balcony and leaned back. I thought I would ascend into the sky. I didn’t. If the ground beneath me were not a dirt hill, allowing me to roll instead of hitting the ground dead on, I might not be here to write this. All Praise is due to Allah.
I began seeing a well-respected doctor in the Black Community in 1999, however, I continued having episodes until I started taking medication regularly in 2004.
The medication allowed me to function without having “episodes” but there were still symptoms. I began hearing voices and I would feel paranoia if I stayed out of the house over three hours.
However, All Praise is Due to Allah. In 2006, I converted to Islam and My Life Changed Dramatically. I became completely independent. After a few years, I started mentioning to my Doctor that I wanted to get off the medication. And in 2012, I insisted that we start the process. My Doctor very willingly agreed and reduced my dosage.
I went through some stronger symptoms, but withstood my ground and they went away after a short while and I felt better than I had on the the higher dosage.
So, after a few more months, I told my Doctor that I had fewer symptoms on the lower dosage and asked him to lower the dosage again and he complied.
Again, I went through a few symptoms, but eventually they went away once my body became acclimated to the lowered dose. I felt much better and better able to function due to the lowered dosage and began to enjoy an almost complete elimination of any feelings of paranoia.
I told my Doctor this and he began to resist any continued lowering of my dosage. However, he eventually acquiesced and agreed to lower the dose, but when I went to pick up my prescription, there was some confusion.
I learned that my Doctor had changed the prescription back to the one I was taking prior to the second lowerage without informing me. When I confronted him about it, he began lying, fabricating stories about my progress or lack thereof. What he didn’t know was that I had already began cutting the previous dose in half and had been taking the lowered dose for months already.
I couldn’t believe he, a prestigious Black psychiatrist who had written several books on the African Origins of Psychiatry and who was a much sought-after lecturer on the subject, was playing with my head! I was livid and reported him to the Head of the clinic, asking for a new Doctor. She agreed.
When I met the new Doctor, she told me my previous Doctor had died and that the Head of the Clinic had resigned!
I was very satisfied and thankful to Allah for avenging me of my old Doctor’s hypocrisy. I told the new Doctor I was doing better since my previous Doctor began lowering my dosage. I told her that I didn’t start hearing voices until AFTER I started taking the medication and she was flabbergasted. She had never heard anything of the kind. However, she too, was reluctant to lower my dosage.
The only explanation I can conceive, considering my progress on the lowered dosage is that the doctors don’t want to lose their patients. It is a shame that the very ones who are supposed to help are only looking out for their own interests.
But Allah is sufficient and when I told her what dose I had been taking she told me that it was the same dose they give toddlers and it was hardly recognized by my system. That was the last time I went to the “Doctor”.
I have completely stopped taking the medication. I explained to the Doctors that now I understand that my “symptoms” were just a very sensitive awareness of Allah (God) and the spiritual things going on in the world that other people are not aware of. It used to scare me (paranoia). But now, I listen and obey. I take heed to the signs that other people miss and use them to guide me. I know it is My Saviour communicating to me.
Our Beloved Messenger, The Honorable Elijah Muhammad (May the Peace and the Blessings of Allah Forever Be Upon Him) taught us that Allah, Master Fard Muhammad, to Whom Praises Are Due Forever, spoke to Him through “hints” (signs). I understand completely.
I know it sounds crazy, but it is the reason for my joy. I obey the signs Allah shows around me and my life is one thousand per cent better. I can’t remember the last time I heard voices. And I no longer have to find a place to hide when I am out in an effort to try and escape the paranoia.
Our Beloved Brother Donny was also diagnosed with paranoid-schizophrenia and took his life by jumping (or falling) out of a window. And Sister Phyllis was diagnosed as bi-polar and committed suicide by ingesting pills.
“Islam is the only solution to the problem of the so-called Negroes,” so taught the Honorable Elijah Muhammad (PBUH). I KNOW if Brother Donny and Sister Phyllis had accepted Islam, they would both still be alive today.
The similarities in my life to these two amazing singers is remarkable. I can understand what each of them went through because I went through it too. Brother Donny suffered from the paranoia that comes from living in The Time of Armageddon and being sensitive to the spiritual warfare that is going on that most people are not aware of.
If he had had Islam, he would have known that Allah, Master Fard Muhammad, to Whom Praise is Due Forever, is going to destroy the devils from the face of the Earth and he didn’t have ANYTHING to fear. Because Allah is backing him up and He (Allah) Will Not be defeated.
The devils have a lot of ability in the supernatural realm, but not half as much as The Black Nation, because we are the First – The Originators. Everything the Devil Caucasians know of telepathy, they learned from us. But I won’t go into that, because I don’t think you will be able to go halfway with me.
Sister Phyllis needed to know that Allah is sufficient for fulfillment in life. If she knew that her purpose in life, just as every Black Person’s purpose in life, is to submit to the Will of Allah, then she would not have been looking for fulfillment in drugs, alcohol and men. Islam would have taught her her nature – submission to the Will of Allah. Everything Else Comes Secondary.
If I didn’t have Allah and Islam, I KNOW I would have committed suicide already. My love life looks so hopeless that ANY woman who does not have the Knowledge of Self would have taken her own life by now. But I know Allah, Master Fard Muhammad, to Whom Praise is Due Forever, is backing me up and even if I NEVER realize the fulfillment of my ONE TRUE LOVE, I will die a happy woman, knowing that I lived to please Allah. And submitted to His Plan for my life. My Prayer, My Sacrifice, My Life and My Death are all for Allah. I put my life completely in His Loving Arms and I have no fear nor grief.
Islam removes fear and grief from the Believer. Islam would have removed fear (paranoia) from Brother Donny and the grief of being unfulfilled from Sister Phyllis. I bear witness.
I also sing and play the piano.