Epiphany

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

As-Salaam-Alaikum Beloved and Beautiful Asiatic Black Family

These past few days, I don’t know what it is in the air, but I think it’s love. I have been extremely reflective and pensive and since I’ve also been kinda broke, I’ve been fasting and it has given me deeper insight.

I don’t really go out anymore.  My Zawji wants me to stay home. It’s safer and he’s right. I went out one day when I wasn’t supposed to and it was horrible. Even when I AM supposed to go out, like today, it was horrible. I feel so uncomfortable with strange men being able to feast upon my beauty like I’m some cheap whore. I really am going to do my shopping online and have it delivered because even going to the store now is becoming too much.

But I digress. These past few days, well starting right before the end of last month – August 2016 (for some reason I’ve noticed I get very emotional and reflective, very sensitive and thoughtful at the end of the month, probably because we’re entering a new time period and change is inevitable) – I started, no, I began right after I visited my therapist on the 17th.

I started seeing a therapist to help me get over my father molesting me. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be able to get justice from anyone other than Allah and I have to take medication until I’m better able to cope.

I took medication regularly for about fifteen years (1999 – Dec. 2013) always knowing that there was a reason for my mental disability, but my father – the reason behind my chemical imbalance – was ALSO THE REASON WHY I KEPT TAKING THE MEDICATION INSTEAD OF GETTING TO THE ROOT. He was adamant about me taking my medication and also constantly in my business when I would visit my doctor. Now I know he was trying to keep the truth of his guilt from being made manifest.

However, in 2013, I told my doctor I wanted to get off the medication and he started weaning me off of it.

For one, I did not want to take medication for the rest of my life and two, I needed to find out what was at the root of my PROBLEM. Every problem has a solution but you must get to the ROOT of the Problem before you can solve it. I DIDN’T KNOW YET MINE WAS/IS MY FATHER.

Eight months after I completely stopped taking the medication (Aug. 2014), as I had expected, I suffered from a massive psychotic break (nervous breakdown) and I came to realize that the cause of my mental illness was due to my being molested by my father when I was very young.

I think he may have been molested when he was young because one of my cousins made it known that my grandfather (his father) had molested her.

I am believing that this curse has been handed down in my family since slavery. As with every other ill facing the Black community, incest is a product of our devil Caucasian slavemasters.

THE PROBLEM IS, NO ONE EVER SAID ANYTHING. EVERYONE ACTS LIKE NOTHING IS GOING ON WHILE THE CHILDREN SUFFER.

But we are living in the day when the veil of falsehood MUST be removed and the truth made manifest. I know for a fact that mine is not the only family that suffers from incest. Many families have that “uncle” that molests the little girls and/or boys. But NO ONE EVER DOES ANYTHING TO STOP HIM and the children grow up abused and suffering from dysfunction.

Until we, as a Nation, deal with this demon in our homes we can never heal.

Acknowledge the truth if/when the victim confronts you and take responsibility for your inaction.

*WARNING – VIDEO CONTAINS PARTIAL NUDITY*

Stop denying that the MOLESTATION IS TAKING PLACE and ACTING LIKE nothing is going on. IMMEDIATELY TELL THE PERPETRATOR TO STOP!!! Let him know that you and everybody else knows about his abominable behaviour and if he doesn’t stop you are going to get together and beat his you-know-what. You should beat his you-know-what anyway for the acts the he has already committed and for the sanity of the victims.

Please talk to the victim and let him/her know you know what is going on. He/she may not even realize they have been or are being molested like me but if you see questionable behaviour – SPEAK UP!!! WE MUST PROTECT OUR CHILDREN. THEY ARE OUR FUTURE!!!

If you are a child molester, ask Allah for forgiveness. Our Beloved Messenger, The Honourable Elijah Muhammad (May the Peace and the Blessings of Allah Forever be upon him) taught us that there is no sin that is unforgivable. The only thing that is unforgivable is this: that you will not accept Allah as God and not accept His Messenger as His Messenger. These two things are one, we say, the belief in Allah is the belief in the Messenger or the Prophet of Allah.

Seek professional help and get to the ROOT of your problem. There is always a root cause for any dysfunction. YOU MUST SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. Therapy and maybe medication will help. Acknowledge that you have a problem and seek the solution before someone kills you.

WE MUST PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FROM THE PERVERSION THAT WAS TAUGHT TO US BY OUR DEVIL CAUCASIAN SLAVEMASTERS. INCEST AND CHILD MOLESTATION ARE DISEASES OF THE DEVIL CAUCASIAN RACE. HAVING BEEN REARED UNDER THE WHITE RACE AND HAVING NO OTHER TEACHER – DUE TO OUR ENSLAVEMENT TO THE WHITE DEVIL CAUCASIAN RACE – WE HAVE ADOPTED MANY OF THEIR EVIL AND WICKED WAYS AND PRACTICES.

HOWEVER, THE BLACK NATION IS RIGHTEOUS BY NATURE. THEY LIED WHEN THEY TAUGHT US THAT NONE IS RIGHTEOUS – NONE OF THEM ARE RIGHTEOUS. THE BLACKMAN IS GOD AND IS CREATED RIGHTEOUS, BY NATURE.

We must stop being cowards. Our children deserve to be protected. Save our future generations from degradation and preserve their innocence. It is a shame that I even have to write this. But I have visited a teen support group at a local High School and I was floored by how many of our young women have been molested by a family member or family friend (mother’s boyfriend usually). Almost the entire population of Black girls.

But when they told their parents, they said they didn’t believe them. I believe they didn’t WANT to believe them. Fear of accepting responsibility and protecting our children has caused this abomination to be handed down from generation to generation.

Abuse MUST be treated so it will not be repeated. But first it has to be acknowledged. At the very least, remove the victim from the culprit’s reach, if you are not able to get justice. We must protect our children.

*****

After my psychotic break, I did not resume the medication. I also never sought therapy and as a result, was hospitalized several times over the next two years.

This last hospitalization (July 2016), I decided that I don’t like being hospitalized and in order to prevent it from happening again, agreed to resume the medication.

My Zawji convinced me to seek professional therapy also and to take the medication until he tells me I don’t have to.

I was lucky to find a Blackwoman therapist. I have to have a Blackwoman. Devils are unfathomable (I can just see them making mockery of me). Members of other races don’t relate and I have issues with men, so I could not see anyone but a Blackwoman.

I went to see her and I was deeply intuned to the spirit world that day. But I opened up to her somewhat and the session was going very good.

I realized that I have never gotten over the fact that I’ve had so many abortions. FOUR. And that that was the purpose of that visit. To face that fact.

Before becoming Muslim, I did so many things that I am ashamed of. But Allah is so merciful that He doesn’t even bring them up and it is actually a sin for Muslims to talk about their shortcomings.

The only reason why I am writing about this now is to prevent you, My Beloved Brothers and Sisters, from making the same mistakes.

I know you’re out there getting pregnant, My Little Sisters (and you are making them pregnant, My Little Brothers). If you are pregnant, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT ABORT IT. IT WOULD BE BETTER TO GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION. There are ways you can do this without having to cut off ties completely unless you want to. But why would you want to?

Of course, abstinence is the BEST and RIGHTEOUS route, but if you are already active please stop and obey the Divine Law of Allah and WAIT until you are married. It is safer and better for your physical, mental and spiritual well-being to be celibate. Encourage your children to remain virgins until they get married. Don’t be ashamed to talk about it. Don’t assume they are not going to have sex. Tell them to focus on getting an education and acquiring the skills they will need to support a family (boys) or keep house and rear children (girls). Teach them not to have boyfriends and girlfriends. They have no need for them until they are ready to get married.

This is the the Best prescription to build a healthy and productive Black Nation. We must start with the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of ourselves and teach our babies self-respect from the cradle.

Our Beloved Messenger, The Most Honourable and Humble Elijah Muhammad (May the Peace and the Blessings of Allah Forever Be Upon Him) wrote in Message To The Blackman, that if you have an abortion, you will regret it for the rest of your life and I bear him witness.

Maybe not right away, but one day you will wake up to what you’ve done. Probably around the time you go through Menopause, like me. And, you realize you will not be able to have more children. You will regret the one(s) you aborted immensely.

I would have had six Black babies.

I also had a miscarriage, so actually seven.

Growing up, when I was a teenager, I always wanted seven babies like my Grandmother.

But I listened to my boyfriend and after the first one it was easier.

I didn’t want to. I was sixteen but I still wanted the baby. He didn’t. And I ended up marrying him! Sisters, if your boyfriend or husband wants you to have an abortion, he is not the one. I don’t care what happened in the movie, “Baby Boy.” He doesn’t love you.

The mistakes of our youth are carried with us for the rest of our lives. I ignored the first red flag, and every one after until about five years, physical abuse and one child later, I finally left him for good. I went through one bad relationship after another trying to find the love that I had lost due to pent up emotions.

Brothers and Sisters, pent-up emotions are the worst thing you could ever hold on to. Face them and deal with them or they will come out another way and possibly ruin your life.

So these past few days, I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life due to emotions that I had pent-up.

My soulmate told me his mother was putting him in a different school and he was smiling when he told me this. (circa 1986)

His mother doesn’t like me so I knew she was taking him out of our school to get him away from me. She even moved her whole family out to another county to keep him from me. But no man can tear asunder what Allah (God) Has Joined Together. Not even the ones He’s joined.

She probably told him that it was a better school since it was in a white neighborhood and he would have better opportunities so he would think it was a good idea and be happy about it.

He thought he had me no matter what anyway, so why not be happy? But I proved his mother right.

Some Black people love white people MUCH more than they love their own Black people. As hard as it for me to imagine much less believe. However, I had a roommate once, who was my Zawji’s mother’s doppelganger and she told me that when she was growing up her family taught her to stay away from Black people. They were no good. White people were the only good people.

I had never heard anything like that in my life and was completely astounded. This from her OWN FAMILY!!! BLACK PEOPLE!!! But I’m sure this is what my Zawji heard growing up from his mother who had heard the same thing.

I still don’t understand how you can tell your child to stay away from people who look just like YOU and HIM!!! But it just bears witness to the poison that the devil has put in our people – TO HATE OURSELVES AND LOVE THEM!!!

I really see it down here in the South.

A DEVIL PROPERTY OWNER CAME ONE DAY AND WAS TALKING TO HIS BLACK TENANTS AND HE TOLD THEM HIS MOTHER HAD JUST DIED. ONE OF THE BROTHERS SAID, “SHE LIVED A LONG GOOD LIFE.” LIKE HE WAS HIS SLAVE OR SOMETHING. I MEAN, IT SOUNDED SCRIPTED!!! I COULDN’T BELIEVE HE SOUNDED LIKE HE REALLY AND TRULY CARED ABOUT THIS DEVIL’S MOTHER. HE SOUNDED JUST LIKE A SLAVE. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. BUT I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE AND HEARD HIM SAY IT. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF IT WASN’T SO PATHETIC.

*****

So, my soulmate was smiling while he told me this (he was going to a new, white school) and my heart was completely broken. He was in a good position it seemed. I don’t think he ever knew how broken-hearted I was until I e-mailed him yesterday and told him how I felt.

I never told him nor anyone else how devastated I was about his leaving. I mean how could I?

I THINK I HAVE A SELF-PRESERVATION FUNCTION KEY IN MY MIND THAT CREATES A MENTAL BLOCK SOMETIMES WHEN I’M CONFRONTED WITH SITUATIONS THAT I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH DUE TO BEING MOLESTED BY MY FATHER AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE. It’s like a safety (protective) mechanism.

But anyway, he was obviously okay with it.

I wanted him to miss me. At least be a little sad. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it would be okay. He would come see me at school. And at home. And we could go on loving each other. But I never got that.

I never got to express my feelings of despair and grief and just went on like nothing. I never got to be sad about his leaving. Never knew why he was happy about it.

I was hurting inside and probably angry. But anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt was the main problem. And I never got to express it or let it out. Never even brought it up – much less talk about it. So it came out in another way.

I ended up cheating on him without even realizing what I was doing.

I guess I wanted him to say “Why are you with him?” or something! Trying to make him jealous I guess. He never said anything – TO THIS DAY.

I didn’t think it out or plan it, it just happened. I’m just now analyzing what went down.

I didn’t even realize I was seeing the both of them at the same time until last year when I did the math. I remembered I had a job and he walked me to it, but the other guy used to pick me up. So I had to be seeing them at the same time. It’s hard to admit even now.

He told a Sister at my school, who was dating the other guy I was seeing (SMH – Los Scandalous), to ask me if I wanted to switch boyfriends with her, since we were already seeing each other anyway. Most likely hoping I would wake up and see what I was doing.

My heart was broken further still. The way she said it made me think he had already made up his mind to be with her so I thought I was going along with him when I sadly agreed.

I ALWAYS do what I think will make him happy – effortlessly.

I never knew how he found out about the other guy until almost twenty years later. He just, all of a sudden, never wanted to talk to me again. I guess I wasn’t saying what he wanted to hear.

All I ever really wanted was him. Always have. Always will.

That’s probably why I refuse to get with someone else now – just to make him jealous. It didn’t work then.

I thought when he went to the new school, he would leave me for a white girl. He didn’t but I never knew until now how deep white supremacy has permeated my subconscious.

He didn’t get with a white girl until just a few years ago.

Whenever a Blackman or woman abandons the members of his/her own Nation in favor of a member of  the race of our enemy it is the most treacherous betrayal that one can commit.

Our Beloved Messenger (May the Peace and the” Blessings of Allah Forever Be Upon Him) taught us that traitors to our race should be “killed without mercy.”

We would be well within our rights if we killed every traitorous Black person who sweethearted with a member of our enemy, the devil Caucasian race.

But Allah, Master Fard Muhammad, To Whom Praises Are Due Forever, is showing them Divine Mercy by not killing them (all of them) just yet. He is giving them time, however, if they do not reform from their wicked ways before the destruction of this world (which is overdue) comes, they will go down with the devils.

*****

So now, he has a devil girlfriend and I am dealing with my issues of devil supremacy. All things in due time, Al Hamdulillah! All Praise is due to Allah!

Anything that doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. My life doesn’t make sense. And I really don’t know if I’m writing this more for me or for you or for him or for Allah’s Sake. Probably the latter because that encompasses all of the above.

Anyway, thank-you for reading.

In the Name of Allah
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,

Your Sister,
~ LOVE ALLAH ❤ ❤ ❤

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