بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum Ma Beautiful and Beloved Black Bebies!

I knew when I published my last blog that I was going to wake in the middle of the night and write some more.

But I didn’t say anything because sometimes I like to keep things to myself.

Anyway, I watched “Emperor Jones” starring Paul Robeson and was really surprised to see the level of romantic drama there was back in those days.

For some reason, I thought people were less scandalous then.

It was interesting to see Brother Paul in his signature film and I was not expecting to feel the emotion toward his character that the film manifested in me.

It was a good movie.

And judging by how many times they said, “Who dat?” and the Yoruba references, I would not be surprised if the writer was from New Orleans.

That was a complete surprise.

Brother Paul was a significant character in Black History in the United States, as far as entertainment. But he was political too.

I don’t watch movies (dramas) as a general practice, but this was more like a history lesson than anything else.

So, I woke up a little while ago and realized, you don’t have to be in jail to have those lonely late night thoughts.

For some reason, I feel like it’s time to write about Costello.

I feel like I have to start from when I messed up with Zawji in High School.

I cheated on him and started dating this other guy who went to my school.

I wasn’t capable of loving from a distance.

I’m getting a crash course in it now.

So anyway, I ended up marrying the other guy but he cheated on me and we divorced after two years.

We had a daughter though, who has Zawji’s initials. That was completely by chance. I didn’t even realize it until a few years ago.

I saw him at the beach one day when she was still in the stroller

AND

HE

BENT

DOWN

AND

KISSED

HER

FULL

ON

THE

MOUTH

Then got up and walked away without even looking at me.

He’s so wise.

I wasn’t ready

BUT

He still loved me

AND

He showed me by showing his love for my daughter.

I think he knew/realized

We were going to get back together one day

Because

She has his initials.

I think he knew back then,

Even when I didn’t.

But was just biding his time.

Allahu Akbar

❤ ❤ ❤

Anyway, I was with Costello at the time.

So, I really didn’t deserve any more than what he gave me

Which was nothing

But tough love

❤ ❤ ❤

After I found out my husband cheated on me,

We had a physical altercation

AND

I put him in jail for abuse

BUT

Later went and dropped the charges.

I think even then I had a disdain for pigs.

We tried to work it out

BUT

The Trust Was Gone

AND

I started seeing other men.

He was in the Navy

SO

He was away from home a lot.

I think he gave up

WHEN

I was dating this Brother from Compton

He called it “Camptown“

I didn’t know why then,

BUT

I think it’s because of all the horses

AND

Big Backyards

ANYWAY

He carried a gun

AND

I

REALLY

LIKED

HIM

He Was Fine!!!

I met him on Crenshaw

AND

I know I must have really liked him because I still remember his name.

Anyway,

They ran into each other outside our apartment

AND

The Brother from Compton shot at my X.

He had already told me what he would do if that situation occurred
(shoot in the leg so as not to kill him)

So, I knew not to worry.

He didn’t get shot though.

❤ ❤ ❤

Anyway, I was working at a typist job I got through the Navy

And it was for a company that photocopied medical records for lawyers.

I used to type up the legal documents necessary to procure the records.

So, they hired this new Brother to go out and photocopy the records

AND

He was cute

SO

I told all the other Sisters who worked there that

He was mine.

Well, one day, he came to the clerical section to run off some copies at the photocopy machine and when I saw him, I made everybody in my department find something for me to go copy.

So, I sashayed over to the photocopier and worked my mojo on him.

We hooked up and I knew he was cheating on me very early in the relationship.

He was ALWAYS talking about his X and comparing me to her.

He used to make me feel so inadequate. I didn’t know the word back then but now I can never forget.

He used to say, “There’s just five pounds between fat and fine.”

And here I am 125 pounds.

The perfect weight and he’s making me feel inadequate.

He used to sell weed, so he’d be gone “on a run” often

And most of his clientele were women.

Well, one day I figured out he had lied to me about his whereabouts and a Sister we worked with confirmed my suspicions.

BUT

I didn’t break up with him.

I guess I thought I was “in love”

BUT

That’s no excuse for stupidity.

I was 22 and had been reared in Christian America

Where they don’t teach values and morals and self-respect.

WELL,

Yes, they do

BECAUSE

Growing up my goal was to stay a virgin until I got married

THEN

I

FOUND

OUT

ALL

MY

FRIENDS

FROM

CHURCH

HAD ALREADY DONE IT

!!!!

So America preaches values, but it is hard to actually find them

In America.

❤ ❤ ❤

Anyway,

He was a good provider and when I got fired from my job

OVER

(him and another woman who worked there )

Me and my daughter moved in with him.

My X never gave me a dime in child support.

Even though it was court ordered.

So, we were playing house

Living it up in the LBC.

We were both in college

And I used to go watch him play football

AND

He was such a showman!

Every time they played,

Somehow his shirt managed to get ripped off

LOL

He had a roommate

AND

It was like Party Central at our house

There were ALWAYS people there

We had a rule

You couldn’t hit the bong until you brushed your teeth LOL

There was always a game of dominoes going on

Or a freestyle session.

I remember one time Lil’ 1/2 Dead was over

AND

ALL

The guys were dickriding

Me and the girls were just so annoyed

It was so bad that my three-year-old daughter said,

“He’s getting on my nerves.”

I was like, “Who?“

And she pointed to Lil 1/2 Dead

LOL

He used to cook too.

He’s the reason I stopped eating pork

Way before I became a Muslim

But he’s also the reason I started smoking weed.

He used to leave his stash at my house

Before we moved in together

AND

One night me and my cousin were bored

SO

We decided to smoke some.

Why did we call the radio station

Because they were taking calls for people who wanted to tell a joke

AND

I

GOT

ON

THE

RADIO

High as Hell

And tried to tell a joke.

The DJ was like,

“Oh, okay, thank-you.“

And I wasn’t even through.

SMH

So, anyway, he introduced me to Reggae

And we used to go to Dancehall clubs

And “wind.”

He could really dance.

Not as good as my Zawji though.

We’d go to holidays with my family

AND

Even hooked up our friends.

Two of them are still married to this day

And have three children.

BUT

He used to tell me that

He could get with my cousins

If he wanted too.

I didn’t really pay too much attention

To that kind of talk.

I just let it go in one ear

AND

Out the other.

But years later,

AFTER

He went to jail,

He wrote a book,

AND

One of my cousins (the married one) was asking about it

I thought that was strange

BUT

Didn’t put two and two together

Until a few years ago.

She had said she wanted to read it.

She was the ONLY one out of all our friends

Who showed so much interest in wanting to read his book.

I mean, we all wanted to read it

BUT

She wanted to read it too badly.

So, I know something was up.

That has taken me a long time to admit.

It hurts.

And I love her husband like a Brother.

He’s in the Nation

(albeit with Farrakhan)

But out of all my family members

He’s one of the few I still talk to

I don’t even talk to my cousin

(his wife)

We’re just a few months apart,

I’m the elder

And always looked out for her

We went to the same schools

for Jr. High AND High School

AND

When we got older

AND

Her Mom

(My father’s sister)

Kicked her out

I let her come and live with me.

I didn’t think anything of it.

I subconsciously, look at her like she’s more of a Sister

Than a cousin

I always mistakenly call her children my niece and nephews

That’s how I know

She’s always been “The Golden Child”

In our family

AND

I was “The Black Sheep”

BUT

To think that she went behind my back

To try and get with my boyfriend

IS

Something that most people would probably

Expect to be the other way around

BUT

I would NEVER do anything like that

So

It is difficult for me to accept

BUT

As difficult as it is to accept

I know it’s true.

I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt

And assume it was before she hooked up with her husband.

BUT

I don’t know

Because Costello used to tell me about how he (her husband) had sex

AND

I don’t know

Any other way

He Could Have Known

UNLESS

She Told Him…

At the time,

I thought maybe one of her husband’s exes

Had told him,

Because they had been friends for a long time.

Now I’m not so sure.

I just saw him when I went to Atlanta

BY CHANCE

Because I didn’t look them up

AND

He is doing a good job taking care of her.

I’m sure nothing ever became of it

Otherwise, he would’t have told me

BUT

Just to know she went after him…

So scandalous.

Skanless.

It’s always the quiet ones…

She IS one of the main reasons I joined The Nation though.

When I saw her in her M.G.T. uniform

I couldn’t WAIT to get in one.

The difference is

She couldn’t wait to get out of it.

She only wore it to the Mosque.

I wear mine every day!

****

BUT

Anyway,

Things came to a head

WHEN

One of his side chicks got pregnant.

I stayed with him though.

But when he brought the baby home

I couldn’t take it and threw a brick through one of his windows.

I guess I had moved out by then.

Anyway, unbeknownst to me,

The baby was right there by the window

SO

Then he starts going on about how I was trying to kill his baby.

BUT

He said it like he was impressed with me

SO

He ends up moving back to Indiana

But

We’re still keeping in touch.

He ends up going to jail for fifteen years

For something I’m not even sure of to this day.

But I’m sure it wasn’t drugs.

I even flew out to Kentucky to visit him.

And caused so much drama that his fellow inmate whose girlfriend hosted me told her that she couldn’t talk to me after I left.

❤ ❤ ❤

He had a Best Friend in jail, named Killer.

Killer was from Watts.

But I didn’t know Killer was so FINE!!!

I

DIDN’T

KNOW

IT

THEN

BUT

He Was Zawji’s Doppelganger…

So, we’re in the visiting room talking and Killer and his guests are behind my back.

So, I get up and go to the bathroom

BUT

When I come back

I sit on the other side

SO

I could see

Killer.

This little move did not go unnoticed by Costello.

He commented on it.

BUT

Anyway,

Shortly after our visit, Costello got transferred to another prison

But inmates are not allowed to send each other mail.

So, I was the designated liaison between Costello and Killer.

Funny thing happened…

Me and Killer started writing each other.

And, I guess he told everybody because Costello started crying about how it made him look and the Sister told me her husband told her she couldn’t talk to me anymore.

I didn’t care.

Shoot.

He had had a BABY with somebody else!!!

But the thing with Killer was shortlived and I still kept in touch with Costello.

If I had had ANY sense I would have stayed with Killer.

He was so intelligent and had NEVER worked for the DEVIL.

I really admired that.

He also told me something that I still use today when people call me crazy.

He told me

“Where I come from, CRAZY is a GOOD thing!”

Watts up!

❤ ❤ ❤

So, next thing I know,

(This was in 1999 and we met in 1992)

He’s telling me they’re transferring him to another prison

AND

This time he’s going Greyhound

AND

He’s coming through L.A.

Can I rent a car,

Come pick him up,

AND

Drive him from Palm Springs to L.A.,

SO

We could spend some time together.

But Of Course, I can do that for you, Baby.

SO,

We get to spend the designated time together,

Then I drop him off at the Greyhound station in L.A.

But he tells me not to go in,

“Stay right here.”

That struck me as kinda weird

SO

I

FOLLOWED

HIM

AND

Sure enough, there he is

Talking to some girl who’s on the same bus.

I felt like a fool.

But I was acting like one

AND

Couldn’t blame anyone but myself.

I mean,

I KNEW who I was dealing with.

Why should I think he had changed?

But I was “in love.”

So, early in the relationship I had gotten pregnant

But he took me to get an abortion.

And unbeknownst to me

This time when I picked him up

I got pregnant again.

But I was taking medication and didn’t have a period

SO

I didn’t know

Until it was too late.

I had to hike up this steep dirt hill

To get home

And ended up losing the baby.

It was a boy.

BUT

Allah Knows Best

Because Now I Don’t Have Anything To Attach Me To Him

So, he’s at Lompoc in Northern California

AND

Hooks me up with one of his fellow inmate’s woman

AND

We go out there to visit them.

I had started going to the Mosque by this time

AND

The Sister was late picking me up

SO

I had changed clothes

AND

Was preparing to go to M.G.T. class

When she showed up.

So, instead of sexy and fly, in those pictures

I was modest and appealing.

Allah Knows Best.

That was my last visit.

I started trying to practice Islam but I was with Farrakhan

AND

HE Knew Farrakhan is not right

SO

He wasn’t trying to hear it.

BUT

AFTER

I

LEFT

FARRAKHAN

I

WAS

LIKE

I can’t talk to you anymore

Unless you become a Muslim.

That’s the ONLY way I’ll know

You’ve Changed.

SO

I finally stopped talking to him

Islam gave me the courage and intelligence to finally leave a toxic relationship

It was 2006 now

Fifteen years!

So, whenever I used to get mad at him, he would go to my mother to try and get her to get me to let him have another chance. So, even though I wasn’t talking to him, apparently they still kept in touch because the next thing I knew. Whoever was President at that time had issued some type of order cutting sentences for federal inmates and my mother told me there was a good possibility that he could be getting out sooner than later.

So, it’s 2008 and I just have a feeling that I’m going to run into him in Leimert Park. This was before I started talking to Allah. But I knew.

Sure enough, one Monday, outside of drum workshop, I see him walking up. We talk for a minute and then Osiris appears (now before I saw Costello, Osiris had told me he would pay for Hakim’s drum lesson he just had to go get some change) So here he comes and I tell Costello, “Watch this” and Osiris hands Hakim a five dollar bill.

I felt like The Mack.

LOL

So, we’re wrapping up our conversation and this woman pulls up and he starts showing her attention and making me feel ignored and inadequate like he always did. But I still talk to him on the phone later.

I told him about Da Poetry Lounge and he talked to my daughter, on the phone. He always made me feel like when she was old enough, he would have an affair with her. Because he was always talking about how he cared about her more than me. But it was different than when Zawji did it. Because they have different backgrounds with me. I never ever saw Zawji with another woman until 1999. But that’s too painful to write about.

But anyway, he went to Da Poetry Lounge, told me it was lit, and I’ve never heard from him again.

I didn’t want to tell him about it.

But I guess Allah Made Me To Finally Get Him Out Of My Life.

He Had To Replace Me With Something, I guess.

Artists can make love to their art.

(He sings and writes)

So, human companionship is not as…

Louis Armstrong said his wife knew she came second to his music.

And Duke Ellington titled his book, “Music is my Mistress”

I still feel a sense of loss after all these years.

And can only thank Allah for protecting me and giving me my Zawji.

Allahu Akbar!!!