Feeling Good

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum Sweet Soan Papdi,
How are you, MY SWEET LOVE? I miss you, but I have your picture to keep me company and sometimes it’s like you’re right here with me, My Baby. I love you so much. Always have. Just….. didn’t have the confidence to think you wanted me. You were this big star, traveling and I didn’t believe you would want little old me. People change sometimes when they get famous. Like Fatima. I should have know you are too real to get big-headed.
I’m still here and always will be. I was willing to let another man care for me in your stead but I don’t think it’s worth it. The temptation to have sex is too great for me because I would have to feel some type of connection to even consider moving in but maybe if he set me up in an apartment without any strings I could get with that.
The last time I had my own place, I was bored out of my mind. Because Hakim had just left. Now that I’ve been on my own for two years, I know I’m ready. I’ve tried living with others and the stress is too great. Maybe if I could find, nah, I could not live with even another M.G.T. in peace. I would have to be dominant. But I know from over ten years of experience, SOMETHING would go down. I don’t have any faith in people anymore. Only you and Allah (swt).
My life is so crazy. I’m going to write a blog about where I am now. I’ve moved up a little, so I think I should update my memoirs, if nothing else.
I’ve got it pretty good right now. They’re letting me chill out at the masjid, which is hella cool because I can take a shower and charge my laptop and use the Internet and find some peace in this crazy world. I go to the 24-hour wash house in the mornings but the devils there are annoying. There is wifi and it’s comfortable though. I also get to meet a lot of Brothers and Sisters and do Dawah.
Why is the muezzin up here? He’s making me want to leave, and he knows it, but I’m not going nowhere. This is Baitullah and I’m welcome. He will have to answer to Allah if his intentions are less than honourable.
The Brother who told me he was going to call the police on me just left. He just asked if the Imam knew I was up here. I told him I didn’t even know he was here. Then he asked me again, which kind of confused me because how could I know if he knew or not if I didn’t tell him? But I just told him I saw him yesterday and everything was cool.
He and another Brother were discussing an A/V hookup and I was listening being nosy and do you know I gave them the most important suggestion of the whole session – where to place the camera. They were going to hang it from the middle of the ceiling. I asked them, very humbly, because you know I’m just a girl and these were two Blackmen – GODS! But I finally got up to courage to offer my suggestion. I asked them, “Why don’t you put it on the wall?” At first the A/V guy was like, “Then you’re gonna get the whole room” and I was thinking, “Zoom in” Then he says, “Or you could just zoom in.” (smile) Jedi mind powers in action.
The Brother who told me he was going to call the police on me agreed and said it would make your job more easier. I didn’t even think about that. I’ve never mounted a camera before except on a tripod. But it was true. I feel so good about that because he was trying to keep me out of here then I gave them a solution that was better than any that the TWO of them came up with!
The Queen. Your Queen. I just want you to be pleased and smile that smile that is reserved especially for me to me. You and Master Fard Muhammad, To Whom Be Praised Forever, are my reasons for living.
I’m so glad it’s finally Monday! I can go practice the piano. I’m gonna go at five, In Sha Allah. They close at nine but last time I think I got there at 4:30 and that still wasn’t enough time. The devil security guard made sure I knew he was listening. Devil. He knows I don’t want any devils hearing me play and I’ve been practicing singing too. But I don’t know. I even went to the Jazz health place on Saturday because I couldn’t wait until today to practice but it was full of devils.
I found another place to get baba ganoush. There is this Sister who works there who looks like she could be your biological Sister, so you know I like her. She grew up in the Nation too but I think she’s gay. These women outchere. SMH I think it’s the food because they look like men – like physically, with men’s characteristics but you can still tell they’re girls. It’s ugly. I tell them not to cut their hair and put on dresses. Some of them have no breasts. They probably take hormones, now that I think about it. Growing up in America is the worst thing that could have happened to us. No guidance. But I am not afraid to tell them the TRUTH. No one probably ever told them to be girls. They think they are too far gone. But Allah can remove mountains. Yesterday I saw one standing with two Brothers and I told her to be herself. She said, she was. I said, Yourself is a GIRL. She got mad and said I was trying to change her. She made it sound like such a bad thing I didn’t know what to say. But I said Yeah, she needed to change. I should have told her sometimes change is good. It can be scary but when it is in your best interest, it is the only intelligent path to take.
Then I saw two Sisters, one she had just said something to, but I didn’t make the connection. Then as I approached them, she told them don’t listen to me. Then when she saw she couldn’t stop me from talking to them, she came and told them what had happened between me and her like she was surprised I didn’t know she was a girl. Which is really a good thing. Because she must feel like a girl on the inside and is not aware of how manly she looks. So anyway, one of the girls tells me that is her wife. I said, she looks like your husband! Then they got mad and started talking about my tooth, like everybody does when they can’t think of a comeback on topic. So, I just told them to “Be yourself” and broke.
They had a big second line yesterday. It was a social club second line, not like the wedding I saw in the French Quarter. It wasn’t as happy and joyous as the wedding. I have never seen such happiness in my 45 years of living. It made me sad that I couldn’t get into it. I wanted to be happy too! But yesterday was more like a parade. I heard the band coming and went outside and there it was. I loved the music but there was a float in front of it and I had to see who was on it and read the signs. The band got mad at me and stopped playing, so I kept walking.
It was the Sudan Social and Pleasure Club. I forgot when it was established. But the float was where the Sisters were. They were handing out toys for the children and alcohol to the adults. SMH and I was so disappointed because I knew the music was not coming from a band but when I actually saw it was a DJ, it just deflated my enthusiasm. But the band had stopped playing and I was at the front, so I just kept on going. Nothing is better than the live band.
I let this Sister take my picture, then this devil comes up asking if he could too. I said emphatically, NO!
So, I ended up having to come right back to where I had left the Second-Line and it was completely gone, just like that. I thought it was over and everybody went home until I was on MY way home and it seemed like everybody Black in New Orleans was on Claiborne. It reminded me of Crenshaw on a Sunday. But I think even more people. It was like the whole city came out – All The Black People. And I ended up handing out some fliers I had just made and only saw ONE devil out of all those people. I told the Brother with him that my fliers were only for Black people and he beamed!
Being out there was cool for the youngies but I just couldn’t see myself just standing out on the street doing nothing but looking at everybody. There was a club there and I guess people were inside dancing. Of course, I didn’t go in. They were also barbecuing oysters on a grill outside and I think you could get other food because I saw a Sister with some crayfish.
I found a new cubbyhole, which is much cooler than my old one because I can see the night sky (did you see the MOON!!!???) It’s also less inhabited so there’s less danger of getting caught, not to mention, I don’t have to worry about being silent so much. Al Hamdulillah!
I’m up in the air about whether or not I’m going to try and find a place next month. I’ve have such bad luck living with people, so I’m hesitant about it. But besides the rent money, I don’t really have anything to lose, except maybe my peace of mind, which is priceless. My cubby holes are the most peaceful places I’ve lived in my entire 45 years. And minus the risk of getting caught and arrested for trespassing, I would live there forever. But Allah is the Best Knower and since it seems like He Wants me here in Rawlins, I might as well go legit. Pray for me to retain my peace of mind.
I know a devil who rents out efficiencies (that’s what they call bachelors now) and I’ve had such bad luck renting from this Blackwoman that I’m even willing to give the devil a try. At least, I KNOW she’s a devil. Black people can fool you sometimes. And that hurts. Not to mention the stress of having to admit that my own people are doing me dirty.
OMG, you know I play too much, right? Well, last night at the Second Line hangout, there were these two Brothers – I didn’t realize they were with some Sisters until it was too late. Anyway, they were Both some cute little youngies and one of them – the Alpha – decided he was going to ignore me and pretend like he was sleep and whatnot.
So, I gave a flier to his friend and the Alpha was sitting there with his mouth hanging open, so I very slowly and gingerly stuck the flier in his mouth! ROFL!!!! Why did he want to kill me after that? LOL These Nawlins’ Brothers get so pissed off!!! It is so funny. This is the third time I’ve got some Brother really really pissed at me. And I was just playin’! He was cussing me out and his friend was laughing. I was trying so hard to be sorry, but I think he knew how funny I thought it was because he kept getting madder and madder. But it’s hard for me to believe they’re really that mad at me. I feel like they’re faking it just to get to me or something. I mean really? But the situation kept escalating and then the Sisters didn’t like all the attention I was getting and they started player-hating and I had to just leave. But I laughed all the way home. That was some funny stuff.
If I didn’t leave when I did he probably would’ve hit me. LOL
California guys like when I do crazy stuff to them, like the time I slapped Cosby in his sleep. He couldn’t believe I did that, but he liked my fyah and unpredictability. New Orleans Brothers are so sensitive. I have to practically get on my knees and beg them to forgive me and they still don’t. LOL Gotta love it.
Love Ya, My Bebie!

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